So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
