Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
