shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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