I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
