How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
