remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
