the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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