There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My pussy is not your playground.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Randomize