my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
