note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
