marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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