i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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