Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
