he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize