It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize