guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
