I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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