I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
