I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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