she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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