i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
