fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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