He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
