It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
