Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
