I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
