I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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