I need to stop coming to work sober
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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