we're making bets on your personal life
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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