Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
