I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
