I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
