My hand turned me down
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you didnt know i had herpes?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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