Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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