That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
