Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
