the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
