I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
