So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Too much gin, very little bucket
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
