So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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