theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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