Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
