If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
