I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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