she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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