So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
