dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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