Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
