Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
