I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize