Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There's always time for handjobs
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
