tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
