Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
