I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
