when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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