He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
