I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
