I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize