I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
