Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She said her name was "party"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
