I just threw up on my dentist
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
