I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
