is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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