I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
