i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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