its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
